It came to an expected halt

When one of the team leads told me that our manager wanted to see me, I kinda knew what it was about. I entered this small room and there he was, trying to smile but I felt that uneasiness in him. We greeted each other, I sat down and he didn’t beat around the bush.

He had no choice. He told me, ” I told you guys before that never put yourself in a position where they can say something  against you.”  I told him that I already saw it coming a couple of months back. I was supposed to leave the same time as our program director back in April but I said to myself, well maybe things will change and besides, I wanted to buy myself some time so I can figure out what to do next. At that point, yes, I was able to buy some time, but I didn’t quite manage to plan my next step. Well, I knew I needed to deal with something that has nothing to do with work. When he handed me the paper, there was still a shock feeling, more like my ego was still hurt even though I was expecting it. ” I can give my commitment to you, but to them, I don’t have to prove anything.” My manager just smiled.

I knew I had my lapses. I was blaming something that was not causing it. It, is something that’s already been here inside me even before I got there. Everything that happened from day one at work, my persona, my front, were just my futile attempt to mask something that I stupidly still trying to hide.

I guess this is better than to stay and keep going to a dead-end direction.